Pretty Much All of The Jokes from THE ROAST OF JUSTIN BIEBER

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BRIAN MILLS

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Founder & Editor of Fierth.com - I am not a journalist, I am not a blogger, and I am not a writer.

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The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber will air on March 30, 2015 at 10:00 p.m.

“Look at Shaq. Shaq hasn’t taken his shirt off since high school. That’s a true story right there. Jeff Ross hasn’t taken his shirt off since preschool. True story. Martha Stewart had her shirt off in my dressing room. Stop, stop. Don’t get the wrong idea. She just wanted me to titty-fuck her! Yeah! I’m sorry — I’m sorry, I’m just trying to loosen you all up. I’m sorry, Martha. Is that going to affect me getting free sheets after this, Martha? I messed up my chance at getting free sheets. God damn it, Kevin.”

“I’m not mad at Justin. I’m mad at his manager. You, Scooter. That’s right, Scooter Braun. Right there. That’s Justin’s manager, give him a round of applause. I don’t know if you know this or not, but Scooter is the man who actually discovered Justin Bieber. Here’s what I’m pissed off about: Nobody’s actually dug into this story. Nobody’s asked questions. Let me give you a background on little old Scooter Braun over here. Scooter Braun was 25 years old, he was a single man living in Atlanta alone, when he found Justin Bieber on the internet in the middle of the night. He found a little white boy with nice hair on the internet. I don’t know where Chris Hansen is, but in this one, that’s a goddamn predator if I’ve ever seen one.”

“Justin’s Canadian. He’s actually considered American, because no Canadian has ever been this much of an asshole.”

“My castmate on SNL, Kate McKinnon does a perfect impression of Justin. Perfect. Right down to the clit.”

“Usher is the one who took you under his wing. You’re the worst thing that Usher has done to America, since the guy who sat John Wilkes Booth behind Abraham Lincoln.”

“The Brazilian prostitute that claimed she was with Justin told the news that he was well-endowed. And that prostitute would know because so was he.”

“You’re not tough, Justin. I’m here to let you know that. I know you’ve been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a pussy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you.”

“Justin’s fans are called Beliebers, because these days it’s considered politically incorrect to use the term retards.”

“Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.”

“Last year you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-un didn’t even score that low, and he uses your music to fuckin’ torture people.”

“Why are you here? This is a terrible idea. You’re about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom fucked Selena Gomez.”

“You’re such a bitch, you have a bigger clit than the one Bruce Jenner wants.”

“I’m proud of you. You have it all. You literally are a guy who has it all — except for respect, love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.”

“This kid has spunk, moxie, and probably a few other STDs.”

“People refer to Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy. Well here’s a newsflash, gang: He’s a man. A full-grown man, who works and loves and makes things with his hands. A man who sings songs for 9-year-olds and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater.”

“Justin you have no idea what you’re in for. I’m sure it’s great to have 60 million followers on Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower.”

“You’ve become a cocky little shit. You are the King Joffrey of pop.”

“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”

“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.”

“Lately a lot of people have been pointing their fingers at you — and those are just lesbians showing the barber how they want their hair cut.”

“You have left so many horrible and unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.”

“When you get to the county jail, hear me, you’re gonna be the first dude who ever had a girlfriend and a boyfriend named Gomez.”

“Thank you, it’s an honor to be at a roast that’s hosted by Shaq’s dick.”

“If you don’t know who Kevin Hart is, congratulations on finishing college. Kevin’s next special is just him jiggling keys at you.”

“Kevin Hart is literally the biggest comedian in the world, right? According to the Robin Williams suicide note. I’m sorry, that was for BuzzFeed.”

“You might know Ludacris from your mom’s [Now] That’s What I Call Music! CD.”

“Shaq, thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario. I’m sorry, please don’t eat me.”

“Two people from the movie Soul Plane are here, right? Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane.”

“Snoop, your homie Dr. Dre just became a billionaire last year, and you should be proud. There aren’t a lot of black billionaires: There’s Dr. Dre and the guy who sells you weed.”

“Kevin, you look like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer.”

“There is a lot of star power up here. These men combined have made millions in child-support payments.”

“Kevin, you are everywhere! You know Kevin’s actually gonna be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He’s playing Peter Dinklage’s shadow.”

“Snoop, you look like Shaq’s skeleton.”

“Kevin Hart is the only celebrity with a star on the Yellow Brick Road.”
“Look at all these scrubs onstage: Chris D’Elia, Hannibal, Natasha, Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross. I haven’t seen a more disappointing lineup since the last Lakers game.”
“Look at Jeff. Jeff got a body like a cafeteria lady.”

“Kevin’s a good guy — and of course he’s here because he can’t say no to anything. Last week he hosted an ISIS-beheading video on Reddit.”
“I’m not saying that Natasha fucks a lot of comics, but there is a podcast going on in her pussy right now.”

“July 10, 2013: Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket. As he runs off, he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton with a bottle of blue liquid and yells, “Fuck Bill Clinton!” There’s not a person in this room who hasn’t done that, you hypocritical assholes! You Bruce Jenner Hollywood hermaphrodites! That’s all you people are.”

“Kevin Hart is one of the biggest movie stars in the business right now. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget that term for that; it’s not African-American rich … it’ll come to me in a second.”

“I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house, but I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out sometime and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?”

“Enough about Ludacris, let’s talk about Foodacris, Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq. [Grunts.] Shaq. [Grunts.] I like to talk to him in his native tongue. Shaq was the original 2 Chainz because that’s how he was brought into this country.”

“What’s up, Hanny? You know, Bill Cosby wanted to be here tonight, but he couldn’t because you ruined his life. Yeah, but on the bright side, you probably got him to curse for the first time ever. Fuck you, Hannibal! Don’t act like the girls you bang are completely conscious. Hannibal, your act has put more people to sleep than roofies. Your next special should be called Hannibal Lecture: Silence of the Fans.”

“Kev, we’ve been friends a long time. I want to congratulate you, I hear your girlfriend recently got down on one knee so you could propose. So romantic! How do y’all make love? Puppy style?”

“You look great, Snoop. You look like a retired WNBA player.”

“The only person who has inhaled more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson’s dad inside the World Trade Center. Thanks, Pete. I’m sorry, Shaq, I know that was your favorite building to climb.”

“Kevin’s from Philadelphia, right? Just like Bill Cosby. And just like Bill Cosby, women can’t tell when Kevin’s inside them.”

“Congratulations to you, Hannibal. You the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off it. Hey, Hannibal, real shit, though. Variety named you one of the top ten comics to watch. Not because you’re funny, because you’re a fucking snitch.”

“It’s amazing to have Shaq and Kevin here. Is this a roast, or is this Tyler Perry’s Of Mice and Men?”

“Shaq made a movie called Kazaam, and it’s about Hollywood executives who waste millions of dollars just to hang out with a basketball player.”

“Martha Stewart’s so old that her first recipe was herbs, spices, and two blacks for labor.”

“Chris D’Elia is like if Dane Cook was a hairdresser.”

“Jeff, you look horrible. Jeff looks like a combination of every before picture. Ever.”

“Natasha Leggero’s here, which means that right now there’s a bachelor party that’s discovering that their cake is empty.”

“What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two and a half hours.”

“Kevin is so short, he calls Lil’ Wayne ‘Wayne.'”

“Ludacris, I knew you’d show up for me tonight. I feel like I’ve known you my whole life, but that’s just because you look like the Mr. Potato Head I had as a kid.”

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BRIAN MILLS

Editor / Founder
Founder & Editor of Fierth.com - I am not a journalist, I am not a blogger, and I am not a writer.
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Founder & Editor of Fierth.com - I am not a journalist, I am not a blogger, and I am not a writer.

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