Mike Diamond: My Year in Tweets
The kids today, with all their fancy schmancy technology, the MySpace and Colecovisions and whatnot. It can sometimes be hard for someone in my age demographic (29- 34.75) to keep pace. But I too have jumped on board the twitter express, next stop: carpal tunnel syndrome! I actually don’t tweet every day, or every 5 goddamn minutes as some people seem to. But in reviewing my tweets over the past year (and I hate that ‘tweet’ has been forcibly added to my vocabulary, like ‘venti latte’ and ‘parole officer’), I realized it serves as a journal of sorts, gauging my moods, experiences and philosophical spasms of 2011. Following, in a totally self serving and millennially appropriate way, my favorite of my own tweets of the past year, with occasional footnotes.
Jan 1 “I…have become…comfortably dumb”
It’s true, and would turnout to be prophetic. I was more retarded than ever in 2011 (see: ‘Extra Intestinal’).
Jan 23 “Tis the winter of my disco tent”
Makes no sense, but I liked the sound of it.
Feb 9 “Am totally mishearing Rihanna ‘S&M’ lyrics: “Stick and stones may break my bones, but ZaSu Pitts excites me”
Feb 18 “You can’t fight destiny….cause she’s a big mean tranny with a razorblade!”
Mar 17 “Went to McDonald’s today & ordered their ‘Shamrock Shake’. An Irish guy appeared & jacked me off right there at the counter. I’m lovin’ it!”
May 2011 turned out to be my most active month on the Twitter:
May 13 “Tacky faggots referring to crystal meth as ‘Tina Fey’ in their online personals. Blarg!”
May 13 “Just read this on the label of Jasmine Tea Ginger Ale: “Separation is natural. Shake gently” Words to live by!”
May 18 “love that Berlin song ‘Take My Breasts Away’. Best FTM tranny anthem ever!”
May 18 “post nap bitchiness…I just told the microwave to shut the fuck up”
May 19 “I don’t care about equality, but I insist on good coffee.”
June 3 “Reading ‘Chunks of Amber; Story of a Supermodel’. Amazing book”.
Some people thought this was a real thing! So I explained it was the memoir of a bulimic model named Amber. Ridculous! Everybody knows models are illiterate.
Sep 6 “I think the real question is, do hydrangeas loathe Madonna?”
Sep 24 “Anybody have a copy of ‘The Anal Birth of Bert’ and/or ‘Highway of Heartache’? Need to see”
Google it, bitches.
Sep 28 “I burped real loud on the street. I tried to say ‘Oh Jeez’ or ‘Oh Lord’ but ended up saying ‘Oh George!!!” People looked at me funny”
In retrospect, were any of those people named George?
Dec 1 “My new drag name is Tawny Danza”
Because my friends and I are constantly making up new drag names, such as ‘Tequila Mockingbird’ or ‘Latonya Rent’. Also, I hate Tony Danza.
Dec 7 “I laugh uncontrollably at the wrong times, like during dental surgery or when getting a BJ”.
Happy New Year!