The Inner Glow of Wendy Ho – By MargOH! Channing
The Inner Glow of Wendy Ho
The Inner Glow of Wendy Ho
Damn it’s cold out here! I screamed at myself in my own head. Starting to think that waiting in line for bootleg Oprah tickets was a bad idea on a cold Chicago winters day after all. I just kept saying it’s Oprah’s final season, It’s Oprah’s final season, It’s Oprah’s final seasonâ€¦Still coldâ€¦Little did I know It was going to get hotâ€¦
A beautiful white stretch limousine screeched to the curb with a sign on it that read Vegas or bust. Loud enough for everyone to turn around and take notice. Someone shouted â€œIt’s Oprahâ€ and the line cleared as everyone ran toward the car. I of course stepped over the tents and lawn chairs and made my way to the front of the line, sweet!
As the door of the limo opened I could see a red patent leather wedged boot hit the ground. Then a mile high blonde afro and some massive gold hoop earrings. As the crowd parted in amazement I yelled â€œOH! my god it’s Wendy Hoâ€. I tucked my purse tight to my body and made my way towards her pushing everyone aside.
â€œWendy Girl I would have thought you’d be in a stretch hummer?â€
â€œHey MargOH! Honey! Ew. I hate hummersâ€”a hummer of any kind just represent the ultimate in douchebaggery. Gimme a stretch, honey!’â€
â€œYou’re right, a hummer is a bit tacky, we’ll leave those to J-Loâ€, I laughingly replied â€œbut I still like the other kind of hummerâ€ with a wink
â€œCome with me quick, I’m up front in line now, they thought you were Oprahâ€
â€œShit really? Wendy roared with laughter
â€œI love your latest video and song about Oprah, it’s fabulous, is she your soul mate?â€
â€œOprah is like a modern day Virgin Mary to me. I wouldn’t call her a soul mate . I would just call her a beacon! I just love her and attend her church on the regular.â€
â€œYes, Oprah has been a guiding force for me at times Wendy, liquid diets, shake diets, meat diet. You name the diet I tried it!â€
â€œYou’re crazy MargOH!â€, Wendy said
â€œI know! Standing out here in the cold! I hope I can get a ticket to the final favorite thingsâ€, grabbing onto Wendy for warmth from her faux fur lined puffy jacket.
â€œWhat would you do for tickets for the final taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show?â€ I added
â€œHoney, I would eat her and Gayle out until climax!!!!â€
â€œIâ€˜d only finger her but to each his own honeyâ€, I replied
â€œI haven’t seen you in ages, I think since we performed at the Gay Life expo in New Yorkâ€
â€œThat’s right, I couldn’t remember where we’d met?â€
I gotta tell you Wendy I was a little disappointed when you moved to LA. Do you prefer NYC or LA? Which city has bigger â€œHo’sâ€?
â€œI will always love New York. She’ll always be my first wife, but after nine years of them cold-ass winters, carting my costumes on subways and livin’ in tiny apartments with friends I was ready for some space. Plus I got engaged to a man who lives in LA. To sum it up I moved to L.A. for six inches of throbbing man meat, honey! Every other way I go I see the same hoes, honey. They’re everywhere. â€œ
â€œOH! I wish I still was. I was such a big slut and slept with many many men but at 62 I don’t have the same drive. Can you teach me to reconnect with my inner â€œHo?â€
â€œOh yes! No matter how old you may be, your inner ho is always there waiting to awaken, waiting to receive pleasure, riches, applause, LOVE. Light some candles and draw yourself a bubble bath. Put on the â€œFuck Meâ€ song and lay in that tub and belt it out!!! If you feel so inclined to reach down and touch it, do it! Love yourself up as much as you can!!! â€œ
â€œI do have a hotel room here in Chicago Wendyâ€ I winked
â€œGirl you crazyâ€ laughing and dangling her engagement ring in my faceâ€¦ â€œIt’s freezing out here; it wasn’t this cold in Vegasâ€.
â€œYou were just in Las Vegas, was the Vegas ready for Wendy Ho?â€
Vegas is gross! I mean, I know it’s as American as overeating and drinking margaritas out of yard glasses. I have to admit! I really hate it! But alas, my act IS perfect for Sin City! I think I’ll find myself performing there again. If I can avoid it, I will.
â€œReally, I guess it’s a glitzy mess, I’m thirsty you want a tipple. I have some gin and cranberry juice or a bottle of colt 45?â€
â€œGin and Juice, gurl!!! Give me that flask. That’s a nice purse MargOH!â€ Wendy added as she downed some of my booze
Laughing loudly I said â€œI first learned of the â€œHoâ€ when I saw your video for â€œI Stole your Purseâ€. How many purses have you stolen?â€
Oh lord! I can’t answer that, gurl. Dat’s like askin how many drops of rain is in the ocean. How many weight watchers points does Kirstie Alley eat in a day? The answer is: a lot. Fortunately I have been rehabilitated through the healing powers of Oprah. I have donated all the purses to a charity that I started a year ago: â€œBitches Who Deserve Stuff.â€ I’ve only found like 3 bitches that actually deserve things so far. I’m going to Detroit soon; maybe I’ll find some bitches that deserve stuff there.
â€œDetroit, mmm I bet they need a lot of help there. It always so nice to give backâ€
At that moment a cute little gay boy approached us with pen and paper. â€œWendy we love you in Chicago, come do a show at Roscoe’s or Hydrate please?â€ Wendy autographed his paper and ass upon request, so sweet! He gave me the once over, winked and walked down the line.
â€œI love the gays; did you think you would attract such a huge gay following?
â€œNo, I didn’t think I would attract any kind of following. The fact that anyone gives a shit about what I do has been amazing.â€
â€œOh stop, you’re amazing! I hope we get these tickets soonâ€
â€œI know gurl I may have to start singing my Oprah songâ€, Wendy added
â€œAre you back up on You tube didn’t you recently get banned from Youtube for your â€œHoâ€ realness? Did you give them a fight?
â€œWellâ€¦I didn’t get â€œbanned.â€ I got suspended for 2 weeks. They let me come back!â€
â€œI saw that one for â€œPoop Noodleâ€ so funny. There is so much sex in your videos, you must be exhausted, I hope you can do them in one take? â€œ
â€œIt’s not like I’m really having sex! I’m an actress! It’s not like back in the day when I actually had to have sex for money, although I will say that IS how I have such great stamina! â€
â€œOh, I always have sex for real whether I’m acting or not, I think they call that method acting?â€
â€œGurl I think they call that insantityâ€, Wendy rolled her eyes and winked
â€œOH and what about that whole Jennifer Coolidge thing. I remember when the cyber world was going crazy about Jennifer Coolidge copying you girl on an episode of Nip/Tuck. It really was exactly like you, how did you feel about that? Did you ever talk to her?
MargOH! honey, It was like being raped, and in the middle of it realizing, â€œOh this guy is REALLY HOTâ€¦.I might enjoy this. BUT NO! WAIT! HE’S RAPING ME!!!!!â€ So in one breath I felt honored by it. In another I felt like I was totally raped. No, I never spoke to Jennifer about it. I never was mad at HER! She was just doing her job! I was glad they at least hired someone I respect to play me!
â€œI guess you’re right, it’s flattering but the only person I ever had imitating me was Abe Vigoda, don’t askâ€
â€œI won’t! They’re coming out with tickets! I better win this damn lotteryâ€, Wendy yelled
I said â€œSing Wendy Singâ€. She busted into her Oprah Dirge and everyone stopped. The whole crowd joined in. It was one big Oprah prayer circle with Wendy in the middle leading the choir. What a beautiful moment. Then the man in the black suit handed Wendy two tickets and said Oprah would be proud girl.
The crowd dispersed and then I realized I didn’t get a damn ticket.
â€œGirl you didn’t get a ticket after all of that? I’m sorry but you ain’t getting mine MargOH! How about a brand new Birkin bag I got in the Limo?â€ as she put her arm around me
â€œOh, that’s alright! I really don’t like that heifer anyway. I was just caught up in the Oprah fever but I’d love a Birkinâ€
â€œAlright Gurrrlâ€, Wendy smiled
â€œWhere are your headed now Wendy, What’s the next big thing for Wendy Ho?â€
â€œTo be honest, I don’t really know. I’m hoping that I can start touring in Europe in the next year. I haven’t done that yet! We’ll just have to see!â€
â€œOh I hope so, I just performed in London, loved it! You have to go!â€
Then a gal ran up to the car almost knocking me over and said â€œI subscribe to the gospel of the â€œHoâ€. Do you have any advice for upcoming â€œHo’sâ€?
â€œYeah baby, use a clean wash rag when you clean yo pussy. Ain’t any reason to be stanky,â€œ
â€œMargOH! I gotta go! I’m tired sisterâ€, she added getting into the limo
â€œOne more thing Wendyâ€ I whispered. â€œIs it true what they say about black men on white sugar?â€
â€œI have no idea! All I know is the bros can’t get enough of dis ho’s high fructose!â€
I laughed out loud for a moment and thanked her for all the advice then asked
â€œAny plans for some New York City shows? We miss our Hoâ€
â€œI’m planning on being in NY at the end of May with a show at Caroline’s on Broadway May 26th. Check www.wendyho.net for more info!!! Love you gurlâ€ as the limo sped off
As I watched her drive away I wasn’t at all upset about not getting Oprah tickets because she wanted them more. I’m glad she got them! Then I turned around to see that sexy gay boy standing there waiting for me. He took my arm and off to my room we flew.
It wasn’t a total loss for I got to rediscover my inner glowâ€¦ Thank you Wendy Ho!