Happy Birthday Betty White !

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By MargOH! Channing !

I couldn’t believe it when I got a call from Betty White last year. This was about the time when her star exploded with the facebook campaign to host SNL.  It had been ages since I heard from Betty, really it was way back when I played homeless woman # 6 in a special episode of Golden Girls.  It was when the gals spent the night at a homeless shelter because Sophia accidently donated a leather jacket with a winning lottery ticket in it.

It was on the set I struck up on a conversation with Betty about men and sex and sex and men. She is actually the one with the dirty mind of all the gals…She then told me  about how she had the hots for figure skater Dick Button. I then told her that my Aunt Fawn-tastic Channing had been briefly coached by him when she was a competitive skater. Betty also had done an episode where she was training for the nationals on Golden Girls but never actually skated before…

The phone rang:

“Hi MargOH! its Betty “

“Betty Garrett?” I replied with excitement

“No it’s Betty White”

“OH! Hi Betty, what’s shaking?”

“Have you heard?”

“Yes, I heard all about the facebook campaign for SNL, don’t get too excited it probably won’t happen”

“No dear, not that. I’m talking about auditions for “Skating with the Stars”. Guess what?”

“OH! Really skating mmmm”, I said

“Dick Button is going to a judge”

“OH! That’s right you have the hots for dicks button…but Betty skating at your age? Isn’t that a little dangerous? Maybe you should set your sights on SNL and forget about that”

“Well your Aunt Fawn – tastic is my age and she still skates in the over 80’s Nationals, doesn’t she?”

“Yes, that’s true Betty but Aunt Fawn has been skating since she  was 3 and pretty much has had every bone replaced, hips, knee’s , brain…she’s like the bionic woman now…You are like grizzle on bone dust, really…

“No, I’ve got a free supply of Boniva from Sally Field. I’m like a rock!”, Betty insisted. “Now please get on the phone to Fawn and ask if she’d train me”, she snapped

“Okay, alright calm down Betty…geez, I’ll ask her”

“Great, if not I’ll have to call coach Ninerveenee”, Betty added

“Um Betty wasn’t that coach from an episode of the Golden Girls, you better lay off that boniva”

“Screw you Channing, now get me that damn Aunt of yours!!” she yelled

A month or so later I got a call from my Aunt Fawn-tastic telling me Betty was hopeless.  She didn’t have the heart to tell her she was a terrible skater. She asked me to meet them at the audition for “Skating with the Stars”.

I arrived at Chelsea Piers and Johnny Weir was practicing in a pink leotard and a zebra tank…Betty was nervously standing on the edge of the ice with Aunt Fawn-tastic.

“Dick Button isn’t here” Betty said angrily

“It’s not a good idea to risk your health for a little Dick Betty”, I said. “Why don’t you just call him and ask him out, you’re Betty White for god sakes”, I added

“A woman ask a man on a date, I don’t think so”

“It’s the 2000’s Betty, not 1950” Aunt Fawn-tastic added

“Listen you two, I want to do this the hard way…I want to have a bang for my 89th birthday”, Betty snapped again

“I’m afraid you won’t make it to your 89th if you do this” Aunt Fawn-tastic giggled

As we waited Rebecca Budig and Bethenny from housewives of New York City took the ice. They both told Betty she didn’t have a chance. Bethenny told her “eat my snow cone bitch” and gave her the finger…

Betty got enraged and threw her blade covers at her and took to the ice and went after her.  I grabbed her and told her to save it for her audition. I was surprised at all the people trying out. There was Carol Burnett, Mary Tyler Moore, Polly Holiday, Rip Taylor also dressed in a pink leotard and zebra tank…OH! My…Sean Young was popping sedatives and Johnny Mosley was checking out Johnny Weir…

I felt as if I was part of some colossal joke. I thought I was being “Punked” or on “What would you do?”. All of these elderly people about to take the ice in hopes of being on some second string reality show. Really?

Poor Carol Burnett tried to do a spin but she did a sputter instead and was told to leave the ice.  Rip Taylor did a fabulous spin but attempted a lay back. His toupee fell off and got caught up in his blades and he hit the ice hard, he was out.  Rebecca Budig and Bethenny both did their routine without a fall and were in first and second place.

Betty was up next and she hit the ice after removing her warm-up suit to reveal a baby pink and blue costume with Maribou feathers and a nude plunging neckline. She looked like cotton candy… She was teamed up with Johnny Weir and she whispered in his ear and he giggled. The music started (Bad Romance) and Betty was off. They opened up with a split double twist that soared above the boards. Then a pair’s spin that was so fast it looked like Johnny’s Zebra was eating Betty’s cotton candy. We were all a bit stunned and nauseous. Then they began to build up speed and he threw her into a throw double toe loop and she landed it. The crowd went wild! The final move’s were an inverted star lift and though Johnny looked terrified of lifting Betty he did and she was spinning like a top. He lightly set her down and then into a death spiral for the ages.

Betty was in 1st . She told Bethenny and Rebecca to eat crow! Sean Young was the only other contestant to not fall so she was in the mix. Mary Tyler Moore’s routine to “Cotton Eyed Joe” fell flat as well as her knockers. Polly Holiday never hit the ice; she got caught up serving coffee in the cafeteria while telling everyone to “Kiss her Grits”. It was then announced by Johnny Weir that Johnny Mosley was chosen without skating after leaving the men’s locker room together…mmmm…

Betty’s eyes lit up when she saw Dick Button had arrived. She unzipped her track suit and headed for Dick. They started talking and then Betty Kicked Dick in the ankle and scurried off into the locker room. Aunt Fawn-tastic and myself stood in wonder when Dick approached us and said “Betty got professional coaching from you Fawn so she is disqualified”. We both gasped but Rebecca and Bethenny high fived knowing they wouldn’t have to deal competing with America’s Sweetheart.

“Listen Dick, let me tell you something. Betty wants to get into your pants. That’s why she was auditioning for this show. Her birthday is coming up so why don’t you show her a little love…

“I can’t imagine, really? Well it’s not usually my thing but who am I to say no to a legend”, Dick then scurried off to the locker room.

About 20 minutes later Sue Ann Niven’s came out of that locker room, all sexy. Dick followed adjusting his bowtie and wiping baby pink lipstick from his cheek.

All Betty said was “I still got it, C’mon I’m on a roll. Let’s get over to NBC and give Lorne Michael’s a go”

Of course the rest is history and Betty did land her gig on SNL but my lips are sealed on what closed that deal…

I will say this. Betty White is one who knows how to get what she wants.

Hell she’s 89 so just give it to her…

Happy Birthday Betty

By MargOH! Channing

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