A Sultry Evening with Kim David Smith
It was a hot and steamy day in July, just a few weeks ago when I stumbled upon a gorgeous creature as I slid into my favorite watering hole. To my surprise it was the darling Weimar wunderkind Kim David Smith. I had initiated a torrid Twitter and Facebook affair but had never met him in person. I threw my bosom upon him in a huge opened armed hug. Given the 110 degree day, it was a rather sweaty greeting, one that left our cheeks stuck to one another for a momentâ€¦his light stubble a sensual loofah to my Max Factor pan-stick. I gestured to him to join me for an extra dirty martini but he declined pointing out that it was 11am on a Tuesday (still don’t get his point on that one). He was on his way to a rehearsal for his spiegeltent performances at Bards the following week.
I didn’t want to miss the opportunity for a â€œchatâ€ so I extended an invitation for a soiree at my home that evening. He accepted, to my delight, as he moved on leaving, a waft of sexy as he glided away down the avenue. All I could think wasâ€¦what a beautiful assâ€¦ when I realized I had forgotten to provide him with my address! I quickly Tweeted it to him and then sent a text to my wardrobe mistress commanding her to get a batch of mojito’s for two together and to get everyone out of the flat. Mamma was entertaining!
Thinking of the night ahead I slid on my entertaining peignoir and my matching marabou feather pumps, dabbed a dash of Chanel # 5 behind the ears (and knees) for drama and chilled the oysters with chipotle. Taking one last look at Courtney Cox seducing Justin Bieber on Cougartown, I turned it off and turned up a little Dietrich.
The doorbell chimed. Berna shuffled to the door to answer as I arranged myself on the settee. Opening the door, looking at the gorgeous creature in front of her, Berna turned to me and said â€œYou ain’t gettin’ any!â€ and fled into her closet.
â€œMr. Smith, welcome to my home.â€ I purred â€œPlease let me take your clothesâ€¦I mean your lovely hatâ€
Looking a tad uneasy as to where to sit since I had taken all the chairs out of the living room with the exception of the settee, I gently set him down right next to me.
â€œDarling, has Alan Cumming ever made sexual advances on you?â€ I asked
Looking a bit perplexed he replied â€œHe hasn’t yet. Perhaps I’m not his type?â€ He surveyed the room â€œWhere are the other guests?â€ I couldn’t help but wonder why he would ask me such a silly question, so I ignored him.
I stroked his knee cap with my freshly painted nail. â€œWell he’s a fool, that Mr. Cumming. I was wondering if you’d ever been or would you ever consider being fondled by a woman 3 times your age and twice your body weight?â€
Kim realized my advances, naturally, given that he is so suave and sexually charged. He leaned in with an impish grin and whispered into my ear â€œI’m fairly certain I have been in the past, and am open to repeating myselfâ€.
I thought to myself Berna had it all wrong! He IS hot for me! Looking deep into my eyes he said â€œDarling, I must say you apply your make-up so fabulously. Do you do your own?â€ My heart fluttered and I explained that I do my own and use Max Factor. He glided to the fireplace and added that he did his own as well, â€œI use MAC everything, and am particularly in love with my limited edition Barbie range glitter eyeliner. Marilyn Maye borrowed it one time when we were sharing a dressing room, which, while not a particularly hygienic practice, was at the very least a warm social gestureâ€.
â€œOysters, Mr. Smith?â€
â€œMs. Channing are you making sexual advances on me??â€ he gasped in the loveliest Australian accent.
â€œNo, no, no, darling! It’s just thatâ€¦wellâ€ I swung the silky peignoir open to the knee (I forgot to shave higher) â€œI was so impressed after attending your show Johnny Come Lately. I remember feeling in a trance by your voice. It brought tears to my eyes at different points. Darling even your reviews always include the word â€˜mesmerizing’. How do you do it to me?? How does it feel? How do you put little old gals like me in a trance?
Chuckling he replied â€œThat is so sweet! Working with Karen Kohler on Johnny Come Lately was a dream come true for a young man pushing his artistic boundaries and we have become fast and very dear friends from the experience. I’ve been very lucky here in New York, and Australia too, to work in a completely trusting and open fashion with my directors and music directors. Ji Young Lee, who played Johnny Come Lately is hugely inspiring to me, and I am hugely grateful to her and Karen for what we all created. In terms of being â€˜mesmerising,’ I am devoted to taking my time on stage, and making consistent physical and eye contact with my audience. I’m not sure how that translates to my potentially being mesmerising, but I certainly appreciate the description!â€
I could do nothing to stop the moan and slight drizzle of drool that escaped the corner of my mouth.
â€œMs. Channingâ€ and he snapped his fingers.
â€œOH!â€ I wiped the spittle away as glamorously as I could â€œDear you see it happened again! In a trance over your voice! Oyster? Please?â€
As he took an oyster I lay the tray down to refill my mojito. He said they were deliciousâ€¦I couldn’t be sure if he was talking about my cleavage or the oysters but assuming he was talking about the oysters I told him that I was born the daughter of a poor fishmonger from Bangor, Maine, and I knew my shellfish. I asked his background while he slurped down another oyster. â€œI grew up in a small country town in regional Victoria, Australia, where fishmongers are scarceâ€ demonstrating the grin again after which he giggled, melting my heart and my panties.
â€œMr. Smith, darling didn’t you just get back from Australia?â€ I slipped off my outer layer as it was getting warm.
â€Yes, indeed. It was a sensational trip — Adelaide’s winter is quite mild, and the people incredibly charming. It was a wonderful opportunity to work with my amazing Australian accompanist, Amanda Hodder, whose name was, unfortunately, and hilariously, consistently misspelled in all our very kind Adelaide reviews. The Adelaide Cabaret Festival is, without a doubt, the best organized and most glorious event I’ve ever been a part of. The crew assembled there are superb, and David Campbell is an impossibly welcoming host. I remain completely in love with the experience!â€
â€œOH! The poor dear, that happens to me with the spelling of MargOH! all the time. Please send her my best.â€
Mr. Smith made his way to the piano and started lightly playing what sounded like â€œYou Keep Me Hanging Onâ€ and we started to sing.
â€œMmmmmmâ€¦you choose such interesting songs to twist into your style, how do you choose them? you delectable little Cadbury Dream Bar. I could eat you up!â€
Giving me a slightly nervous sideway glance as he continued to tinkle on the keys â€œIt’s basically whatever I’m listening to at any given time. Sometimes, a modern pop-song will feature fantastic lyrics, and I’ll be inspired to rearrange the tune for a slightly more theatrical take on it. For instance, like this song, Steven Ray Watkins, Lennie Watts and I re-imagined The Supremes’ â€˜You Keep Me Hangin’ On’ as though it were composed by Kurt Weill. I love messing with my pop ladies.â€ And with that the nervous glance turned to a wicked little smirk.
â€œFabulous. Weimar is soâ€¦soâ€¦sexyâ€ as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders â€œWhy this? What drew you to the Weimar style of cabaret?â€
Stopping play he lightly grasped my hands â€œSexy is right, MargOH! I’ve always been fond of the art and aesthetic of the period, and when I started putting together my first cabaret shows, I did a TON of research into the origins of the medium. I love reading and have amassed quite a library of materials on the Weimar period. Also, there is so much amazing music originating from that time. I love finding new ways to access and interpret itâ€.
â€œWell, Mr. Smith, all that research and hard work has paid off, darling. I’m so happy you’ve won Bistro awards and have been nominated for MAC awards. Now you’ve cracked a hard nut, the New York City cabaret sceneâ€
â€œNew York’s cabaret community has been incredibly generous with me, and I’m very proud to be a small part of this varied and vibrant universe. There are so many different sub-genres of cabaret here in New York, and I really feel like the community here is very warm, and unafraid to make room for new takes on an old mediumâ€.
â€œThat’s fabulous, Mr. Smith, I do so hope we can work together! I’d love to Weimar it up a bit with youâ€ At this point Berna busted out of her closet and yelled â€œOh, please with that voice?! Weimar it up! Ha! Have another drink, Frau Betrunken!â€
â€œOf course Kim would love to work with me and we will!â€ I snapped at her as she gestured something awful and slammed the closet door, like a demented Bavarian cuckoo clock.
â€œOf course I’d sing with MargOH! but most of all, I would like to work with Kylie Minogue, in an intimate setting, with a filthy little band in lots of make-up, singing the songs of the Weimar republic, in German.â€
After the Berna ugliness I thought I might be losing him so I composed myself quickly and cooed â€œMy darling that’s fine, I can’t speak German the way Kylie can!â€ We laughed. I added â€œyou, Mr. Smith, are a true gentleman. Where did you learn these ways? It’s so rare these daysâ€
â€œI have ancient gentlemanly instinctsâ€
Berna bellowed from behind her door â€œAre you gay or what!?â€
â€œBerna, how awfully rude! YOU certainly don’t have â€˜ladily’ instincts!!!â€ Looking back at Mr. Smith â€œDarling, I apologize for Berna. She’s insane, you know, and being a bi-sexual myself I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.â€
He just smiled and continued to stroke the ivories.
â€œDarling have you found any disadvantages or advantages to being an openly gay performer?â€
Sighing and turning to me he replied â€œI haven’t encountered any particular disadvantages yet, and I think we’re heading into a different age, where public sexuality doesn’t matter as much as it once did. Surprisingly, I have experienced straight men and women confessing an attraction to me after performances of Morphium. It’s very clear in the show that I’m singing about other men, and so this lusty reaction from straight people is quite interesting.â€
I decided it was now or neverâ€¦I had to dive in and see how deep the water was! â€œWell since we’re on the subjectâ€ I traced my finger along the edge of the piano and fluttered my lips â€œdo you have a partner?â€ Please say no, please say no, please say no, I repeated to myselfâ€¦
â€œYes, MargOH! My partner is an amazing operatic tenor. We’re getting married in September!â€ I let my lips go and took a swig from the mojito pitcher.
â€œOh! Wellâ€¦how exciting! Darling you know I’m just having a bit of fun with you, don’t you?â€ I winked â€œbut, just out of curiosityâ€¦how big is your cock?â€
â€œNow, MargOH! maybe I should send you to your roomâ€
â€œI’m sorry, Mr. Smith but I am certain that when I tell the story of our special evening and I will tell the story of our special evening, the people will want to know.â€
â€œI’m sure both my manager and boyfriend won’t let me answer this questionâ€
Feeling a bit devilish at this point and not willing to give up my chances altogether I pressed on â€œand in its â€˜natural state’ I presume?â€ I heard Berna cluck.
â€œIt’s pretty easy to catch a flash of it in the gym locker room thoughâ€ he grinned.
â€œOh my – what gym would that be!?â€ I must look on Twitter I thought to myself
â€œIt’s getting late MargOH!, I should leave, I have a rehearsal in the morningâ€, he moved towards the door. I pressed my body against the door and tried to tempt him with my best come hither eyebrow arch. â€œAre you sure you can’t spend the night, Mr. Smith?â€ Sadly, with a simple but sensitive and kind nod and a quick peck to the forehead he declined.
â€œWell, you can’t blame a gal for tryingâ€
â€œNo you can’t Ms. Channingâ€, he replied.
â€œIt’s MargOH! darling, always MargOH! for the boysâ€ I retrieved his hat and handed it to him, adding â€œAt least we must do a song togetherâ€. He smiled, gently kissed me on the cheek and then was gone.
â€œWhat an absolute dreamboat this man is!â€ I thought as I closed the door. Just listening to Mr. Kim David Smith sing is an ecstasy all to its own and you can take that feeling anywhere no matter your age, gender or orientation. I fanned myself a bit as I got lost in a reverie of my evening, his scent still lingering in the air and his lush voice still whispering into my ears.
Kids take yourself and your family and friends to a Kim David Smith show immediately!! He’ll continue to tour his show Morphium and is working on new material and new shows to bring to a city near you. I hear New York is his favorite place to perform so I’m sure he’ll be performing here soonâ€¦.in the City of course, not in my apartment. But I did try!!!!
As I moved towards my bedroom I knocked on Berna’s closet door with an open palm â€œGet me my IPhone! Bring that and a fresh pitcher of mojitos to my boudoir. I just HAVE to see what gym he goes to and get my membership right away!!â€
By MargOH! Channing