“LOVE IS WORK…”
Hello Fierth-nicity!!!!! I’ve missed you! (Does that sound funny? It’s true! I seem to be getting attached!)
WOW it’s March already & not only that it’s already more than one week out! Time truly does fly…!
I hope that this year is treating you well so far… Remember (I remind myself as much as reminding you) that we have to focus on what we want, no matter what we actually have – and we must be grateful for all that we do have… as well as for what we want as if we already have it to be grateful for… hey don’t knock it… it works
O.K. So – As always one of the things about where I am in my life is that I want to truly grow as much as I can – and be as healthy as I can & accomplish as much as I can… so I am most definitely a work-in-progress, as we all are if we realize it or not… Boy don’t we get in our own way a lot… I do anyway – enough to scream!!!!!
We all know there are many kinds of love –
Self love is one of the hardest. A lot of people say they don’t have any trouble loving themselves and if that is true, God bless them… but I believe most of us do have trouble loving ourselves. Its way easier to love “out’ – than it is to love “in”. I can love you all day long – but when I turn into the mirror that same love is not so easily accessible.
We are our own worst enemy and we are highly critical & sometimes even demeaning to ourselves.
In order to have the best lives we all must to learn how to love ourselves. We have to listen to ourselves and take care of ourselves (I mean on all levels, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically) self love is work… family love can be as well – I know we all know this! (LOL) …
so is romantic/intimate love – it’s worth it but it is, in fact, work… and can be quite challenging.
I can really only speak from my own view, obviously, so here I go…
* a little personal background:
I have been intentionally single for a long time – longer than I will say but a long time. earlier in my life I had 2 long term relationships, neither of which were particularly healthy & upon the ending of the 2nd, I decided I was not going to be in a relationship again unless it was healthy. Shortly thereafter I had a life-altering thought about what I might regret not having done if I died… (I often think ahead and work my way back – to sort of process various possible scenarios in my life – a personal coping mechanism) anyway – none of the things that came to mind that I would regret had anything to do with a relationship… or with being with a man at all …!!!!!
– it was all things pertaining to my gift/music/work and I decided in that moment that I was going to put my full focus into my work & getting my life to where I want it to be. (Sometimes a life long process – oy!)
Through the years my friends & family would express concern over my “taking myself off the menu” from dating – which I did consider their feelings but I determined that if someone really incredible made me take notice – I would not ignore it… I have been extremely flattered to have many pursuers and throughout this time my answer was always the same: “I’m very flattered but I don’t date – it’s a personal choice about my career nothing personal! Thanks so much though”…
this became quite natural & was my uniform answer to that type of inquiry…
Well, I know that last time I spoke of the love of my life, “DB”, and of our relatively new love…
He was, in fact, the one to finally make me take notice as when he expressed his interest in me on a personal level & I gave him my uniform answer – he refused to accept it… he was adamant and quite honestly I was shocked and appalled… so much so that I had to reconsider… it took me a while to give in – but he did convince me to allow him the opportunity to occupy that special position in my heart… this love is a very special love – it means so very much to me and has rekindled beautiful things in me long forgotten… my love for him & for us as a unit is so powerful that it shines through me… everywhere I go people see how vibrant and alive I am – on fire even… all because I allowed “DB” VIP access to my heart. I have been quite happy with that decision, but as in all things, not everything is perfect, nor easy… since we only want what is healthy for us both, whenever we find ourselves in a situation where less than productive feelings arise – we now need to address them and try to find a way to get through them with neither person getting too smashed up…
it is amazing the issues/emotions that come up after all this time being single… I had no idea what to expect in terms of feelings because it had been so long since I allowed myself feeling towards someone… now that we are attempting to integrate our lives – and things are rolling along – certain things that aren’t working for me are coming to the forefront…
we are trying to learn how communicate with one another so that each of us gets what we need – as I wouldn’t have it any other way! But it is so hard! wow – my emotions take hold of me sometimes & I can’t seem to regain control… this is upsetting as I really didn’t know I would find myself struggling this way… now – being that I care for him so much & that I am also at a place in my life where I am striving to grow and become as healthy as possible – I realize I have quite a challenge in front of me. I’m so used to being able to handle myself – keep myself in check – do what I have to do, but now I find that having another person in the mix of all of that – I am not always having the easiest time communicating what I need in a way that is conducive to him understanding. I know he wants to give me what I need – as I want to do for him also… but it’s me that is hitting walls.
Ouch. It sucks when you are getting in your own way.
Here is what’s really real people – its scary to realize you are doing something to hurt yourself – and also to hurt the person you love & the relationship thereof… now I have to turn inward & really look at the ugliness that is underlying these feelings of fear that are causing me to lash out in the name of trying to protect myself… what am I so scared of? Why do I get so upset at something that is nowhere near as big a deal as my emotions go? What is happening deep inside of me that is somehow intent on trying to destroy what could make me the happiest girl on earth? All I can say is… ick!
I have my work cut out for me & its not pretty work I’m sad to say… this is what makes life real, huh?
It makes my personal choice to try to grow in every way – stare me in the face and challenge me… its like “oh yeah? You want to be healthy in every aspect of yourself? Deal with this!” <boom!>
ugh! really?! Double ugh!
So even the “happy – love love girl” gags in the reality of self growth… and right now I hear in my head “that’s why they call them growing pains”… ugh! life ain’t all fun & games… love is what gets me through which is why I have it around me always in all ways – but the truth of this matter is that by rolling up my sleeves and going to relieve the ugly parts of what’s brooding in me – I am truly loving myself… thank God! Say a little prayer for me my fierth-nicity – that I can get in there – squash the yuck – and get healed up quickly… I’m nervous but my present issues have brought to light that this needs to be handled and I am the only one who can do it… (OMG… )
*You know I must truly love you all that I would share such personal details about my own demons & shortcomings… that’s major!
I’m sorry “DB” – I suck sometimes… (and obviously in this case not in the good way – lol)
I realize I have work to do – and like you always say if we are meant to be – we’ll get through this… and everything else… I know that you know you have work to do too – and it means the world to me that you are willing to do that work in order for us to have what is healthy for us… but this is about me & my crazy issues… so please forgive me & just keep loving me – I’m going to go in & try to squash the madness but I’ll need your support because its not going to be pretty & I’m a little scared so please stick by me… I guess this is when love really proves itself… you do mean the world to me – I love you babe & I’m here to say it & prove it, as well as to prove that I love me. xoxoxoxoxo
Once again, to bring it home – like the title of this piece states: “love is work”.
Speaking of another type of love – friendship love – my highlight of the month is a very special one.
I had the pleasure a few years ago to be introduced to a delightful Indian woman who is a remarkable artist & beautiful human being. Her name is Apnavi Thacker. (Apna for short). Literally from the day we met – we clicked and have been tight ever since. She was visiting NY & had a gallery showing while she was here. Her work is very political and her opinions ring through her canvases. Although she would be the last person to toot her own horn, she is a celebrity artist & highly respected in her native India & around the world. She is gaining a wider audience as we are lucky enough to have galleries that will share her work with us here in the states. A strong & gritty, yet beautiful statement she makes – demonstrating her views of her native Bombay & the struggles & madness therein. She is a voice to be recognized & I am thrilled to have her in my world. I am a fan as well as being blessed enough to call her my friend. I would even go so far as to call her my family.
I am thrilled to announce that she has a month long solo show “Domus Vulgus” here in Chelsea that opens March 11, 2010 at the guild: [link]
Read the press release here: [link]
You’d truly be doing yourself a favor to check her out & you can do so anytime over this month! But whatever you do – find out about this amazing artist… I can’t say enough wonderful things about her – New York City loves her just as much as I do – find out! xoxoxoxoxo
So, in signing off I ask you again to please say a little prayer for me that I can exorcise my demons & get one solid step closer to healthy as I continue working my way down this crazy road of life… wishing you smooth sailing in your various types of “love” relationships –
Sending love & prayers to you all – each & every one – Thank you so much for taking the time to get to know me & my crazy little self… I adore you – tremendous blessings…
Until next time – keep laughing – keep smiling – keep pushin’ – love you!!!!!